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October 5, 2012

Just Overlook It

by guest blogger Rev. Rich

If you think about it, there’s something about everyone you know that bugs you. It might be a bad habit they have, it might be the way they do a certain thing, it might even be an attitude that you think they have towards you. Regardless of what it is, you put up with it for that relationship.

Re-read that last sentence. Now, why is it that we are so apt to overlook things that our friends and co-workers do, in order to maintain our relationship with them, but we have trouble doing the same thing with our wife? It would seem to me that love would make it easier to overlook something that doesn’t agree with us; but in most cases, we find more things that bother us in our mates, than we do in our friends. Why is that?

I think a lot of it has to do with proximity. Granted, we spend a fair amount of time with our co-workers; but we don’t live with them. Even in an organization where people are known to “let down their hair” we all live with masks on. So, we don’t usually see those people at their worst, we see the side of them that they have decided to show at work. Not only that, but we don’t see them at their most vulnerable moments either.

On the other hand, we see our wives in the worst of times; when everything has gone to pot. We also see them in those moments when there isn’t any mask; times when they are relaxed and unlikely to bother hiding who they are. Finally, we see them when they are dealing with the things that nobody else sees; all the little irritating things of life, which take away their importance.

There’s another aspect of this which I need to mention. When we were dating, we created a perfect image of her in our minds. That’s the standard that we expect her to live up to each and every day. When my wife and I first started dating, she was living four hours away, up in the mountains. She’d come down to the city every weekend to see me and take care of business. On the way, she’d have rollers in her hair and be putting on her makeup. So, when she arrived, she looked perfect. That’s the image that was formed in my mind.

Now, three kids and over 25 years later, I’ve seen my wife with the rollers in her hair and even the times when she didn’t have time to put the rollers in her hair. So, even though I have that perfect image in my mind, I also have the real image. The two may not always be the same.

Okay, so what do we do when we find that our wives aren’t perfect? How do we deal with that, so that it doesn’t become a destructive force in our marriage? I’d recommend going back to what we did when we were dating. You see, those “defects” were there back then. She really wasn’t perfect; you just thought she was. Think back and you’ll see what I’m talking about.

So, what did you do then? You overlooked those defects. That’s it. You concentrated on the good, and didn’t bother looking at the not-so-good. Well, if you could do that then, why can’t you do that now? What’s changed? Don’t blame it on her, because it’s really not her fault. What has changed is you and your perception of her. That’s what needs to be dealt with.

When you overlook any flaws in your wife, it’s much easier to concentrate on the good. When you focus on the good, it’s much easier to love her. When you love her, it’s much easier to be romantic. And, when you’re romantic, it’s much easier for her to love you.

Copyright © 2012 by Rev. Rich. Reprinted with permission. Rev. Rich blogs at Romantic Act of the Day, where he writes about relationships from a romantic man's point of view.

2 fabulous comments:

  1. That is the truth! The masks come down and we have to love our spouse for who they are at their best and worst.

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  2. This is some really great advice. We have a tendency to forgive the transgressions of friends, co-workers, etc. but when our spouse does something annoying (however unimportant) we treat it as if they are deeply flawed and must change to meet our demands. These things build up and eventually lead to cold shoulders, resentment and possibly separation or divorce. You are correct. You really can overlook minor annoyances and focus on more important positives.

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