Is Your Spouse About to Walk Out?

Patty Newbold recently wrote a great article about what to do if you have been blindsided by a spouse who wants to leave. She has some excellent advice for anyone whose mate has said "I love you, but I'm not in love with you," or is talking about leaving the marriage.

One reader's comment included the observation that it is, after all, the spouse who wants to stay who is the one more committed to the relationship. But things aren't always that simple.

More About the Counseling Survey

Last week I posted the basic results from our Couple Counseling Survey. Today I'll discuss some of the comments made by respondents. The survey included a space for comments on nearly every question; some people contacted me outside the survey (by email or blog comments).

One respondent mentioned that her husband was being seen by a specialist for sex addition, and that she had gone to some sessions with him. Although this survey didn't ask what kind of problems had led to counseling, "sex addiction" usually implies infidelity. Other respondents mentioned "communication problems" and arguing.

All respondents who had tried counseling indicated that it had had a positive effect on their marriages. Most said it had saved the relationship. Interestingly, although some said it "helped some," no one said it "helped a lot." Perhaps being helped a lot and saving the relationship are really the same thing.

Several women said that they would like to go to counseling (or go back) but that their husbands refused. Some said that they didn't know how to approach their husbands without having the idea rejected. This seemed particularly sad to me. When one partner in a troubled relationship rejects the other's attempts solve their problems, it is very unlikely that the situation will get better.

Since the survey didn't ask those who had not tried counseling why they hadn't tried it, the only reasons I have are from those with the resistant husbands. My travels on the Web suggest a number of other reasons why people don't get marriage counseling:

• They are very satisfied with the marriage.
  This is wonderful! If this is your situation, just keep doing what you are doing.
• They have a few problems but expect to be able to work them out on their own.
  Again, this is great. Move forward and keep a positive attitude.
• One or both partners feel embarrassed about telling their problems to a stranger.
  Don't let this hold you back from the help you need. Whatever you have to say, it is unlikely to be something your counselor hasn't heard before. A good marriage counselor will approach your situation with respect and sensitivity.
• They think it would be too expensive.
  Separation and divorce are even more expensive. And living in misery is not worth any price. If money is tight, there are many organizations that can help you find affordable counseling in most areas.
• They disagree about whether they have serious problems.
  It is very important for each partner in a marriage to pay respectful attention to the other person's concerns. If your partner is unhappy and sees a serious problem, even if it doesn't seem that way to you, pay attention. Unfortunately, some people don't take their spouse's complaints seriously until one day the spouse walks out the door. By then it may be too late.

If you'd like to add your ideas, comments or experiences with counseling, please share them in the comments below.

Results of the Marriage Counseling Survey

Last week I posted a survey asking people about their experience with couples counseling. Here is a summary of the results. Note that percentages were rounded off, so some tables may not add up to 100%.

Gender

Male	28.6%
Female	71.4%

Age Range

under 20	0%
20s	0%
30s	57%
40s	0%
50s	14%
60s	29%
70s	0%
80 or over	0%

Which best describes your relationship?
100% were in a heterosexual marriage or domestic partnership.

Percent having had some kind of couples counseling/therapy

Yes	71%
No	29%

Types of counseling
Note: Several options were listed, but only two types had been used by respondents. Percentage here is percentage of those who had tried counseling.

Couple counseling with a religious or spiritual practitioner	20%
Couple counseling with a licensed practitioner	80%

Results
Percentage here is percentage of those who had tried counseling.

Saved our relationship	80%
Helped a lot	0%
Helped some	20%
No difference	0%
A little worse	0%
A lot worse	0%
Ruined the relationship	0%

How long had you been married/committed when you went to counseling?
Percentage of those who had tried counseling.

under 1 year	0%
1-5 yrs	20%
6-10 yrs	20%
11-15 yrs	0%
16-20 yrs	20%
over 20 yrs	40%

How long have you been married/committed now?

under 1 year	0%
1-5 yrs	15%
6-10 yrs	43%
11-15 yrs	0%
16-20 yrs	0%
over 20 yrs	42%
no longer together	0%

If you answered yes (we tried counseling), do you think you would ever do it again?

Yes	60%
No	0%
Maybe	40%

If you answered no (haven't tried counseling), to you intend to try counseling soon?

Definitely	0%
Probably	0%
Not sure	50%
Probably not	50%
Definitely not	0%

My next post will include some additional discussion of this survey.