Is Facebook Ruining Your Relationship?

A large number of studies and surveys tell us that Facebook is cited as a factor in anywhere from 25% to 66% of all divorces. In some cases, pictures, check-ins, and tags provide evidence that someone has been lying about something. In other cases, Facebook behavior is part of a larger pattern of bad attitudes, dishonesty, emotional abuse, or infidelity.

When "Sorry" Isn't Enough

A couple of years ago, I wrote an article about how to apologize. One of the points in that article was that apologies are meaningful only if they are sincere.

One measure of sincerity is whether or not there is true remorse. Some people say they feel remorse, but what they really feel is just regret at having been caught doing something wrong. They feel bad for themselves because they may have to face someone else's anger, and there may be some kind of unpleasant consequences or a penalty to pay. Maybe they even wish they hadn't done whatever it was they did, but only because they don't like paying the price.

Distrust and Stress

In What Makes Love Last? John Gottman writes about the importance of trust in relationships.

One very interesting comment in the book's introduction is that trust relieves stress. People who trust their partners can make decisions and take actions without having to worry about what the partner will or won't do. If you know that your spouse will do what he says he will do, you don't have to waste time and energy worrying about it. You don't have to check. You can go ahead and make plans based on his promises without having to worry that things will fall apart.

Are You Being Authentic In Your Relationship?

by guest contributor Larry James

"Authenticity occurs when the head and the heart meet at the lips; when what we think and what we feel is congruent with what we say and do." - Dr. Carl Hammerschlag, Speaker, Author, Healer

Dr. Hammerschlag's quote about sums it up, right? Are you talking the talk and not walking the walk? Are you experiencing the same problems in your relationship that you had last year? Are you living your relationship as an example you would want others to emulate? Are you living in sync with your own values and principles? When you're not authentic, who are you?

Being authentic is the key to truly happy, healthy relationships. It is not possible to be happy without being true to yourself.

Unfortunately many people live their entire lives never discovering their authentic self. It is not only a matter of focusing on yourself, but also involves deliberation about how your commitments make a contribution to the good of the relationship.

Privacy and Secrecy

Our local newspaper publishes a low-quality advice column. Recently, a woman wrote to the columnist about an incident in which she had picked up her husband's phone and attempted to enter the password. (The wife admitted that her husband hadn't given her the password; she had figured it out by watching him.) Her husband jumped up and knocked the phone out of her hand. The wife believed that her husband had overreacted and that his behavior was suspicious. In response, the columnist berated the woman for snooping and violating her husband's privacy. Yikes!

Why I Married Him

After our first date, my husband and I sat up all night telling each other the stories of our lives. It was dawn when we finally shared our first kiss and said goodnight.

From the time we first met, a little over a week earlier, I had felt both excited and comfortable with Steve. We connected right away, not just because of mutual attraction, but because we were able to communicate almost immediately in an open, concise way, and because we shared a somewhat quirky sense of humor. I felt that he "got" me, and I think he felt the same way about me. That all-night conversation, in which we honestly shared so much personal information, was a bonding experience that brought us closer together than many couples are even after dating for a few months. After that weekend, there was no doubt that we were together.

Not Just for Married Folks

I got a comment recently from someone who felt this blog was of no interest to her because she isn't married. There is no doubt that the focus of my writing here is on long-term relationships founded on love and commitment. At the same time, I know that all of us live within a larger context.

Apologies Made Easy (Almost)

Apologies Matter

A good apology can be powerful. Many people refuse to apologize, no matter what they have done, because they think that apologizing puts them in a weak position. Actually, the opposite is true. Refusing to apologize when you are clearly in the wrong makes you look like a stubborn child, a coward who dodges responsibility, or a fool who can't see the truth. Conversely, apologizing makes you appear stronger. You have the courage to face your mistakes and take responsibility for the consequences. You bring an end to the argument and choose the direction the conversation will take.

Knowing when and how to apologize is particularly important in the context of a long-term relationship. Disappointments and betrayals, however small, injure the relationship. If the injuries are left unhealed, they fester into resentment and distrust. The long term result is that the relationship grows more distant and less satisfying over time. Repairing the damage as soon as possible creates positive feelings and reinforces trust.

Is Your Spouse About to Walk Out?

Patty Newbold recently wrote a great article about what to do if you have been blindsided by a spouse who wants to leave. She has some excellent advice for anyone whose mate has said "I love you, but I'm not in love with you," or is talking about leaving the marriage.

One reader's comment included the observation that it is, after all, the spouse who wants to stay who is the one more committed to the relationship. But things aren't always that simple.

My Spouse Needs to Feel Safe

by guest blogger Alecia Starks

Last winter, Clint picked up the hobby of snowboarding. Oh, my heart couldn't take it.

I told him, "Are you sure? You're getting old. You're not as agile and athletic as you used to be."

But working out in the snow will make a person decide to give these things a try.

He had some great guys who were fairly adept at snowboarding take him under their wing and teach him their ways. It was very exciting for him.

One night he texted me and said, "I'm coming home. I got hurt. I may need to go to the ER."

A Love Story

Lately I have come across so many people describing the first nine minutes of Up as their all-time favorite romantic movie that I had to see it for myself.

Wow.

After the 1:45 mark, there is no dialog. The story is told with an eloquence that requires no words.

This is the kind of love I envisioned when I got married. How about you?
 

Next to Me

If this song had existed back then, I might have sung it on my wedding day.

Having complete faith in your partner's devotion is powerful. Knowing that you can trust him to always be by your side creates a bond that will keep your relationship strong even when you must face the most difficult challenges together.
 

Knowing When to Trust

In What Makes Love Last?, relationship expert John Gottman explains that trust is the fundamental requirement for long-lasting, fulfilling love.

Trust usually builds as a relationship progresses, through small and large opportunities to demonstrate honesty and reliability. We can see how a potential partner treats us and others, and we develop a sense of what this person's overall character and behavior is like.

But sometimes there are issues that impair the ability to trust or distrust appropriately.

Learning and Practicing Responsible Honesty

by guest blogger James Vaughan

Our parents were right—Honesty really is the best policy!

Honesty is in the number one spot on my list of the most important ingredients in long-term relationships. Honesty provides the basis of trust, intimacy, and lasting love. It's easy to fall in love with another person without knowing how honest they are, but it's difficult to stay in love with another when we discover they are dishonest about things that matter. To trust one another at a deep level, we must know each other deeply. Deep knowing can only come from a lot of honest disclosure over time.

Can You Affair-Proof Your Marriage?

One of the big myths about infidelity is that affairs only happen in unhappy marriages or in marriages where something -- like regular sex or good communication -- is missing. But the research of experts like Shirley Glass has shown that this is a huge misconception.

Some unhappy spouses stray, and some never do. Many unfaithful spouses are actually happy in their marriages. An overwhelming number of affairs happen simply because people allow themselves to overstep emotional and physical boundaries with friends or colleagues, sometimes so gradually that they may not realize, at first, that they have taken a wrong turn.

The Consequences of Lying

People lie because they are afraid of the consequences of telling the truth. But the consequences of lying are much worse.

Martha doesn't want to have children. But she agrees with her fiance when he talks about how great it will be when they have kids, because she is afraid of losing him. Emily worries that her husband will be upset if he finds out how much she spent on new clothes this week, so she hides the receipts and tags at the bottom of the garbage and shoves the new items to the back of her closet. Mark wants to go out for drinks after work with an old college buddy, but he thinks his wife won't approve, so he tells her he is working late.

Good Communication Is The Key To a Loving, Trusting Marriage

by guest blogger Liam Hamer

Trust and good communication are two of the most important aspects of a successful marriage. In fact, it could be said that you can't have one without the other. Without these things, marriage can be an uphill battle. There can be niggling doubts in the back of your mind about your spouse. Where are they? What are they doing? Similarly, you can also wonder if what they say to you when you talk to each other is true and that they are being honest about your relationship. And because there is a lack of good communication, you may find it difficult to express yourself properly to them.

Forgiving Without Regret

by guest contributor Serena

Sam and I had been married nearly ten years when his best friend, Bill, was killed in a horrible accident that involved negligence and led to criminal charges being filed. In addition to the shock and grief felt by everyone who knew Bill, the circumstances were controversial and created some painful divisions within our circle of friends. It was a terrible time.

Are You Afraid to Be Vulnerable?

by guest blogger Larry James

It's all about trust! Simple… but, for most, not easy.

"Being truly vulnerable, transparent and genuine – becoming intimate – with your partner is not for the faint of heart. It takes a willingness to learn how your partner wants to be loved, emotionally and sexually, and to honor that. It requires you to have the emotional strength and spiritual courage of a warrior: committed to take on the difficult challenge ahead and never surrender. To succeed will be the greatest victory imaginable." ~ Lori and Bob Hollander, RelationshipsWork.com

Caring

by guest contributor Il Marito Mysterioso

Caring for our spouses is one of the inherent covenants of the marriage contract. It's part of the whole "in sickness and in health" thing that most of us take for granted when we affirm our vows.

About a year ago, my wife came down with pneumonia. At the time, not only was our house being painted but also our air conditioning broke down in 100+ degree weather. Knowing that there was no way she would get better under those circumstances, we moved to a local hotel (with air conditioning!). I brought her food and a cooler full of protein drinks and juice for when I had to go to work. After a few days the home issues were solved, and we were then able to get back into more comfortable surroundings so that she could get well.