A Few Little Questions

In a previous post, I responded to one of the writing prompts posed by BlogHer for the first week of November.

There were three more in that group, and since none of them strikes me as material for a full-length post, I thought I'd just answer the questions.

Are You Being Authentic In Your Relationship?

by guest contributor Larry James

"Authenticity occurs when the head and the heart meet at the lips; when what we think and what we feel is congruent with what we say and do." - Dr. Carl Hammerschlag, Speaker, Author, Healer

Dr. Hammerschlag's quote about sums it up, right? Are you talking the talk and not walking the walk? Are you experiencing the same problems in your relationship that you had last year? Are you living your relationship as an example you would want others to emulate? Are you living in sync with your own values and principles? When you're not authentic, who are you?

Being authentic is the key to truly happy, healthy relationships. It is not possible to be happy without being true to yourself.

Unfortunately many people live their entire lives never discovering their authentic self. It is not only a matter of focusing on yourself, but also involves deliberation about how your commitments make a contribution to the good of the relationship.

Privacy and Secrecy

Our local newspaper publishes a low-quality advice column. Recently, a woman wrote to the columnist about an incident in which she had picked up her husband's phone and attempted to enter the password. (The wife admitted that her husband hadn't given her the password; she had figured it out by watching him.) Her husband jumped up and knocked the phone out of her hand. The wife believed that her husband had overreacted and that his behavior was suspicious. In response, the columnist berated the woman for snooping and violating her husband's privacy. Yikes!

Knowing When to Trust

In What Makes Love Last?, relationship expert John Gottman explains that trust is the fundamental requirement for long-lasting, fulfilling love.

Trust usually builds as a relationship progresses, through small and large opportunities to demonstrate honesty and reliability. We can see how a potential partner treats us and others, and we develop a sense of what this person's overall character and behavior is like.

But sometimes there are issues that impair the ability to trust or distrust appropriately.

Learning and Practicing Responsible Honesty

by guest blogger James Vaughan

Our parents were right—Honesty really is the best policy!

Honesty is in the number one spot on my list of the most important ingredients in long-term relationships. Honesty provides the basis of trust, intimacy, and lasting love. It's easy to fall in love with another person without knowing how honest they are, but it's difficult to stay in love with another when we discover they are dishonest about things that matter. To trust one another at a deep level, we must know each other deeply. Deep knowing can only come from a lot of honest disclosure over time.

The Consequences of Lying

People lie because they are afraid of the consequences of telling the truth. But the consequences of lying are much worse.

Martha doesn't want to have children. But she agrees with her fiance when he talks about how great it will be when they have kids, because she is afraid of losing him. Emily worries that her husband will be upset if he finds out how much she spent on new clothes this week, so she hides the receipts and tags at the bottom of the garbage and shoves the new items to the back of her closet. Mark wants to go out for drinks after work with an old college buddy, but he thinks his wife won't approve, so he tells her he is working late.

Financial Honesty

In a blog entry called "Radical Honesty for a Healthy Marriage" Leslie Doares of Fearless Marriage writes about the need for truthfulness in a marriage. Her arguments are on point, and I expect that her examples will have a lot of readers squirming in their seats.

Two of the examples involve money, and one in particular caught my attention. It's an anecdote about a woman who concealed her clothes shopping from her husband. I see shopping as an innocent activity that would never have to be hidden. But spending money is a major source of friction in many relationships. This particular story made me think of an "I Love Lucy" episode. Lucy was showing Ethel a new dress she had bought. Ethel wondered if Ricky might get angry about it. Lucy just smiled and told her friend that she had a way of handling it. Whenever she bought a new dress, she would just put it at the back of the closet and then wait a few months. Then, when she wore the dress and Ricky asked her if it was new, she could "honestly" say she'd had it for a long time.