When Your Loved One Roots For the Other Team

by guest contributor Jason Gordon

Many of us can probably relate to this: You meet a great person and start dating. You have a lot in common, including your love of sports. But then it happens. You find out that this great person has a flaw. Not only do they root for a different team than you do, they actually root for your team's biggest rival. While it may seem like a small thing to deal with, especially if the person crosses off many big items on your relationship "must have" list, it actually can, and often does, cause an issue in the relationship.

Here is a classic example. One person roots for teams from the Washington, D.C. area, while the other cheers on Boston area teams. On the surface, other than hearing how great the Patriots are and how terrible the Redskins are, this isn't a huge issue because there don't appear to be any direct rivalries between the two cities. It's honestly hard for the Redskins fan to say anything that can get under the skin of the Patriots fan. The Redskins always seem to have disappointing seasons, there is a storm of controversy with their team name, and they missed out on the playoffs this season. While the Patriots have MVP candidate Tom Brady and Bill Belichick, and are a Super Bowl favorite year in and year out.

Then, however, the NHL playoffs start and the Capitals are playing the defending Stanley Cup Champion Bruins in the first round and now it's tense. The Boston fan reminds you of Capitals playoff collapses from years past, while their team hoisted the Cup a year ago. The series goes to seven tight games, and all the while the Bruins fan is reminding you that the epic collapse is coming. But then a funny thing happens. The Capitals win the series and all the pent up frustration and "I told you so" comes out in one moment, and you suddenly realize that cheering for different teams is something you need to address.

To understand how and why you get to this point, it is important to look deeper into the psychology of being a sports fan to get a clearer picture of why the outcome of the game becomes so important in your life. You'll find that it isn't just about rooting for a team; a true fan actually begins to identify with the team, often referring to wins and losses as "we" won or "we" lost. There are also hormones released when your team wins or loses that impact the way you feel and act as a result.

The short of it is that being a sports fan is serious business and it does become a part of who you are and how you identify yourself. That being the case, if you are in a relationship with someone who roots for a rival team, there are many things you can do to ease the tension and actually make it a fun experience. One couple, who happen to be on opposite sides of the oldest rivalry in the NFL, the Green Bay Packers vs. the Chicago Bears, has found ways to make it fun by finding cute ways to bring their young children into the mix. They also understand that you can trash talk during the game, but show respect after, and, finally, you don't talk about it once the game is done.

Another couple, one a Browns fan (yikes) and the other a Ravens supporter, has established ground rules for themselves that can clearly work well for most couples in a similar situation. In the end, there are two things to remember. One, just as these couples did, remember that it is just a game and find ways to have fun with it. Life goes on, win or lose. Two, no matter what, life always trumps sports and even rivals can come together for a good cause.

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Jason hails from New York City where he is a marketing associate by day and blogger by night. He is a sports and pop culture fanatic and often tries to marry the two in his writing.
 

The Marriage Minute

The Gottman Institute has introduced a newsletter called "The Marriage Minute". This is a very positive resource for any marriage or close relationship.

Delivered via email twice a week, each newsletter contains a short article with useful information on a relevant subject. Included are links to actions you can take or exercises to try, as well as additional web pages or videos.

For example, yesterday's newsletter was entitled "Conflict is Inevitable". People are different, so some kind of conflict is bound to happen in any relationship. The good news is that conflict doesn't need to damage a relationship. Handling it well can actually bring people closer together. Included was a checklist to help couples recover from a fight, as well as links to articles with more information.

To subscribe to the Marriage Minute, just go to www.gottman.com/the-marriage-minute/ and enter your email address.
 

Whose Home For Christmas?

One very common argument that couples have is whose family to visit during the holidays. This can be an especially difficult problem to solve when extended families do not live nearby, since traveling to visit one set of relatives means not being able to see the other.

The situation may be complicated by a number of circumstances, such strained relationships with in-laws, family feuds, the difficulties of traveling with small children, the children's preferences, differences in family or cultural traditions, feelings of obligation or guilt, health problems, and travel expenses.

Difficult Family Holidays

Many people feel reluctance, even dread, at the thought of spending Thanksgiving (or Christmas or any event you can think of) with their families or in-laws. They hate the unpleasant conversations and vicious arguments that always break out. They just want to avoid that one relative (or maybe more than one) who always causes trouble.

Has this been a problem at your family's gatherings? Do you find that you get caught up in arguments with unreasonable people who won't listen to common sense? Have you had to defend yourself against hypersensitive people who seem to overreact to every little thing? Are there times when it seems that everyone turns against you? Worse yet, has anyone ever accused you of being the troublemaker?

The Never-Ending Battle

Do you have an unsolved problem with your spouse, one that has left you feeling perpetually resentful, mistreated, or hopeless?

Perhaps your partner does things that are hurtful, unfair, inconsiderate, insulting, annoying, or completely outrageous. It has become impossible to discuss the situation, because he or she immediately gets defensive, refuses to listen, takes a completely illogical approach, or blames you.

If this sounds familiar, you probably have a perpetual problem.

Does Your Spouse Make Mistakes?

In a blog post called "I Wasn't Treating My Husband Fairly", a woman describes how she realized that her extreme criticism of her husband had damaged their relationship.

Her husband had done the grocery shopping and had brought home the wrong kind of hamburger. Instead of seeing this as a simple mistake, the wife interpreted it as a sign of his carelessness and stupidity, and his failure to pay attention to her and the way she did things. She gave him a huge, angry lecture about it.

And then she realized just how wrong she was.

How Can We Ever Agree on Anything?

When Hubby and I were dating, we had so many habits and preferences that were completely different that we used to joke that we had nothing in common.

For example:

• One of us likes pizza with thin, crispy crust; the other prefers the deep-dish variety.
• One of us enjoys country music; the other would rather listen to blues and jazz.

The Habits of Happy Marriages

by guest blogger Alicia Lawrence

We've all seen them, those happy couples who are still just as in love on their 50th anniversary as they were on their wedding day. But sadly, in an age where 50% of all marriages in the United States end in divorce, those blissfully happy couples are becoming increasingly harder to find.

If you want to take your marriage from one that just gets by and survives to one that thrives, following the habits of happy couples listed below is a great place to start:

One Way to Settle an Argument

In my twenties, I had, for a short time, a rather difficult roommate. She and I constantly disagreed over housekeeping issues. Should there be a box of tissues in the living room? Do we need a paper towel holder in the kitchen? How often should the carpet be vacuumed? What is the best way to place glasses in the cupboard? How strictly should food expiration dates be observed? The final straw for me was when her creepy boyfriend stayed overnight and left cigarette butts floating in the toilet. Yecch!

Marriage is Saying We Are On the Same Team

by guest blogger Marie McKinney-Oates

I wish I could give everyone transcripts from arguments with my husband. Not because we're communication ninjas, but because you'd see how often we use what I'm talking about. And how often we repeat certain phrases. Like, "You suck" or "Really? You really want to try and tell me that this dish is clean. Really?"

Just kidding.

Actually, the phrase that gets tossed around most is, "I don't feel like we're on the same team right now."

Up! Down! Left! Right! This! That!

Do you and your spouse sometimes get caught in repetitive disagreements over issues like these?

• The right way to fold towels

• Toilet paper over or under
• The best place to park
• Wash dishes now or let them soak
• Toilet seat up or down
• How to place glasses in the cupboard
• Squeezing the toothpaste
• Proper way to load the dishwasher
• Should you lick your fingers when eating finger food

Many people are passionately opinionated about these and similar matters. Towels folded into quarters instead of thirds are annoyingly untidy. Drying oneself from the bottom up rather than from the top down after a shower is seen as a complete breakdown of logic. Distress over an improperly squeezed toothpaste tube is so widespread that a Google search on "squeezing toothpaste" yields more than 1.9 million results and Amazon lists over 100 imaginative devices for squeezing the tube.

We Just Disagree

Some conflict in marriage is unavoidable. Whether our conflicts arise from simple misunderstandings or from basic differences in personality and needs, it is inevitable that two people creating a life together will have disagreements and arguments. Experts generally agree that it isn't necessary to avoid conflict in order to have a good relationship. What matters isn't whether we argue, but how we argue and what we do about it.