When Your Loved One Roots For the Other Team

by guest contributor Jason Gordon

Many of us can probably relate to this: You meet a great person and start dating. You have a lot in common, including your love of sports. But then it happens. You find out that this great person has a flaw. Not only do they root for a different team than you do, they actually root for your team's biggest rival. While it may seem like a small thing to deal with, especially if the person crosses off many big items on your relationship "must have" list, it actually can, and often does, cause an issue in the relationship.

Here is a classic example. One person roots for teams from the Washington, D.C. area, while the other cheers on Boston area teams. On the surface, other than hearing how great the Patriots are and how terrible the Redskins are, this isn't a huge issue because there don't appear to be any direct rivalries between the two cities. It's honestly hard for the Redskins fan to say anything that can get under the skin of the Patriots fan. The Redskins always seem to have disappointing seasons, there is a storm of controversy with their team name, and they missed out on the playoffs this season. While the Patriots have MVP candidate Tom Brady and Bill Belichick, and are a Super Bowl favorite year in and year out.

Then, however, the NHL playoffs start and the Capitals are playing the defending Stanley Cup Champion Bruins in the first round and now it's tense. The Boston fan reminds you of Capitals playoff collapses from years past, while their team hoisted the Cup a year ago. The series goes to seven tight games, and all the while the Bruins fan is reminding you that the epic collapse is coming. But then a funny thing happens. The Capitals win the series and all the pent up frustration and "I told you so" comes out in one moment, and you suddenly realize that cheering for different teams is something you need to address.

To understand how and why you get to this point, it is important to look deeper into the psychology of being a sports fan to get a clearer picture of why the outcome of the game becomes so important in your life. You'll find that it isn't just about rooting for a team; a true fan actually begins to identify with the team, often referring to wins and losses as "we" won or "we" lost. There are also hormones released when your team wins or loses that impact the way you feel and act as a result.

The short of it is that being a sports fan is serious business and it does become a part of who you are and how you identify yourself. That being the case, if you are in a relationship with someone who roots for a rival team, there are many things you can do to ease the tension and actually make it a fun experience. One couple, who happen to be on opposite sides of the oldest rivalry in the NFL, the Green Bay Packers vs. the Chicago Bears, has found ways to make it fun by finding cute ways to bring their young children into the mix. They also understand that you can trash talk during the game, but show respect after, and, finally, you don't talk about it once the game is done.

Another couple, one a Browns fan (yikes) and the other a Ravens supporter, has established ground rules for themselves that can clearly work well for most couples in a similar situation. In the end, there are two things to remember. One, just as these couples did, remember that it is just a game and find ways to have fun with it. Life goes on, win or lose. Two, no matter what, life always trumps sports and even rivals can come together for a good cause.

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Jason hails from New York City where he is a marketing associate by day and blogger by night. He is a sports and pop culture fanatic and often tries to marry the two in his writing.
 

The Marriage Minute

The Gottman Institute has introduced a newsletter called "The Marriage Minute". This is a very positive resource for any marriage or close relationship.

Delivered via email twice a week, each newsletter contains a short article with useful information on a relevant subject. Included are links to actions you can take or exercises to try, as well as additional web pages or videos.

For example, yesterday's newsletter was entitled "Conflict is Inevitable". People are different, so some kind of conflict is bound to happen in any relationship. The good news is that conflict doesn't need to damage a relationship. Handling it well can actually bring people closer together. Included was a checklist to help couples recover from a fight, as well as links to articles with more information.

To subscribe to the Marriage Minute, just go to www.gottman.com/the-marriage-minute/ and enter your email address.
 

Difficult Family Holidays

Many people feel reluctance, even dread, at the thought of spending Thanksgiving (or Christmas or any event you can think of) with their families or in-laws. They hate the unpleasant conversations and vicious arguments that always break out. They just want to avoid that one relative (or maybe more than one) who always causes trouble.

Has this been a problem at your family's gatherings? Do you find that you get caught up in arguments with unreasonable people who won't listen to common sense? Have you had to defend yourself against hypersensitive people who seem to overreact to every little thing? Are there times when it seems that everyone turns against you? Worse yet, has anyone ever accused you of being the troublemaker?

Money Misery

Conflict over finances is one of the most common problems in marriage, and one of the top causes of divorce.

People have very strong feelings about money, especially when there isn't enough of it. Psychologically, money can represent safety, self-esteem, social status, security, and the power to control one's destiny. No wonder people are so emotional about it!

Choices

Years ago, our friend Zach and his wife Zelda decided to divorce because of irreconcilable differences.

They weren't fighting over money, sex, or in-laws. They didn't hate each other. They just couldn't figure out how to live together. Zach wanted to move to Los Angeles, while Zelda wanted to stay in New York City.

Sooner or Later, We Need to Talk

My work friend "Nina" told me about the night she decided to leave her husband.

There were a lot of problems in the marriage. Individually, most of the problems weren't serious, but some were, and except for the occasional pointless argument, nothing was being discussed.

Nina had decided that it was time to resolve some of the ongoing issues.

She waited until the kids were in bed. It was after 11:00 pm. Her husband was downstairs.

The Never-Ending Battle

Do you have an unsolved problem with your spouse, one that has left you feeling perpetually resentful, mistreated, or hopeless?

Perhaps your partner does things that are hurtful, unfair, inconsiderate, insulting, annoying, or completely outrageous. It has become impossible to discuss the situation, because he or she immediately gets defensive, refuses to listen, takes a completely illogical approach, or blames you.

If this sounds familiar, you probably have a perpetual problem.

Some Problems Can't Be Solved

Dr. John Gottman tells us that most conflicts in a marriage are perpetual. Years go by, and people are still arguing about the same things.

Surprisingly, happy couples who are highly satisfied with their marriages still have these perpetual problems. In the meantime, other couples become increasingly unhappy and are torn apart by the same kinds of unresolvable issues.

Jack Sprat

by guest contributor Lynda Chalmers

Jack Sprat could eat no fat....

Today's post is about differences and how to handle them in long-term relationships. At first, most differences in our partner are delightful. Those we don't find so delightful we are able to put aside. It may not be long, however, before those differences loom up in a negative way and we start to let them separate us. Or perhaps we begin a long campaign to change the other person, creating difficult dynamics in the relationship.

Things I Do That Annoy My Husband

[This is the first entry in a series.]

Sometimes I watch TV with the sound off.

The mute button makes TV better. Not all the time, of course. But some programs are just fine without words.

Imagine a nature show about lions chasing gazelles. They catch them or they don't. Nobody needs to explain that to me. Or an old TV rerun that I've come across halfway through and don't care what it's about. I can guess at the story, without hearing the corny dialogue.

Apologies Made Easy (Almost)

Apologies Matter

A good apology can be powerful. Many people refuse to apologize, no matter what they have done, because they think that apologizing puts them in a weak position. Actually, the opposite is true. Refusing to apologize when you are clearly in the wrong makes you look like a stubborn child, a coward who dodges responsibility, or a fool who can't see the truth. Conversely, apologizing makes you appear stronger. You have the courage to face your mistakes and take responsibility for the consequences. You bring an end to the argument and choose the direction the conversation will take.

Knowing when and how to apologize is particularly important in the context of a long-term relationship. Disappointments and betrayals, however small, injure the relationship. If the injuries are left unhealed, they fester into resentment and distrust. The long term result is that the relationship grows more distant and less satisfying over time. Repairing the damage as soon as possible creates positive feelings and reinforces trust.

Sleeping On It

Someone recently asked me to recall the worst marriage advice I had heard.

Oh, there has been so much!

Not necessarily the worst, but probably the most repeated bit of dubious marriage advice is, "Never go to bed angry." Take that seriously, and you might find yourself popping caffeine pills day and night, living in zombie-like misery, for weeks at a time. Forget it! As Lydia Netzer writes, "Sometimes you need to just go to freakin' bed."

Are You Trying to Drive Me Crazy?

Does your spouse do something that makes you uncomfortable, gets in your way, or just drives you crazy? She whistles while she works. He drops his underwear in the middle of the bedroom floor. She leaves the sponge in a big puddle of water on the counter. He puts his feet up on the coffee table. She laughs so loudly at the TV that you can't hear the dialogue. He leaves the cupboard doors open.

Perhaps you have suffered in silence. More likely you have mentioned the problem, nicely at first, but with increasing irritation as time goes by. Your partner knows how much this bothers you. It's pretty obvious that he is too selfish to care. It would be so easy to do the right thing, but obviously he has no respect for your feelings. If he really loved you, he would be more considerate. You may begin to wonder if he is doing this deliberately to spite you.

You Weren't Warned

What would it be like if people came with warning labels? Imagine that before your first date with someone, you could see what the future holds:

• He will lose his job and not look for another, spending his days watching TV and drinking while you support the family and do all the housework.
• Her low interest will eventually result in a sexless marriage.
• She is a shopaholic who will deplete all your savings and put you on the brink of foreclosure.
• He will have a long-term affair with a woman he met on a business trip.
• Her mismanagement will run the family business into the ground.
• He will withdraw half the money from the children's college fund and buy himself a boat.

Trying Third Alternatives

In an earlier post, I wrote a little bit about using the Third Alternative concept as a way to resolve disagreements without resorting to traditional, and sometimes disappointing, methods of negotiating a compromise. Blogger Patty Newbold often writes about how to apply this method to disagreements in marriage. Inspired by her, I am considering how a couple might find third alternatives for one of those silly, stubborn disagreements that often become a recurring source of frustration and bickering in marriages.

Whether we live with roommates, an extended family, a spouse and kids, or simply as a couple, sooner or later we will run into situations where someone habitually does something in a way that is in direct conflict with the way someone else habitually does it. If nobody really cares about the matter, or if one person cares and the other is willing to change, then there is no problem. But sometimes these matters take on a huge significance. The situation may be trivial on the surface, but there is something about it that seems offensive to our sense of order, grating on the nerves, intolerably inconvenient, and just plain wrong. And when two people feel that way about each other's way of doing something, conflict is inevitable.

A classic dispute is whether the toilet paper should be placed with the edge hanging down the front (toward the user) or down the back (toward the wall). Interestingly, some people never notice this at all. Others notice but don't care, while many others have a mild or medium preference for one way or the other. Some people feel very strongly about which is the right way. When two people with strong, opposing preferences face each other over this issue, it may seem that they are at an impasse. There are only two alternatives, because it can only go one way or the other. But is that really true?

Imagine a couple, Ralph and Alice, who have been bickering about the toilet paper position for some time. Alice wants the paper's edge to hang down the front. She can't remember ever having it any other way. She thinks it looks better that way, but what really matters is that it's easier to grasp, especially at night when she doesn't want to turn on the light. Ralph grew up in a house where the paper always hung down the back. He thinks it's much easier to find the edge, because it's right there against the wall where he expects it. Besides, the front position is a problem because it makes it easier for Norton, the couple's cat, to amuse himself by unrolling the entire roll and shredding it.

Ralph and Alice agree that they each would like the other to be satisfied. They take notes about what each person wants and what each wants to avoid. Alice wants easy access, and so does Ralph. Ralph wants to minimize the chance that Norton will unroll the paper. They both want to avoid something that looks bad.

Now comes the fun part, as Ralph and Alice begin brainstorming. They propose as many ideas as they can come up with, no matter how crazy they sound. Then they evaluate the ideas to see which ones are likely to give each person what he or she wants, while avoiding the things they don't want. One idea is to have two toilet paper holders, one turned out and the other turned in. But this won't stop the cat, and both Ralph and Alice agree that it would look bad. Another idea is to forget about holders altogether, and just set the roll on top of the toilet tank. Ralph thinks this would look okay, but Alice doesn't, and it would make it too easy for Norton to knock the roll down and play with it. The house has two bathrooms, so they consider the idea of his-and-hers, but since one bathroom is downstairs and the other upstairs, this would create too much inconvenience for someone, especially at night.

Ralph suggests a dispenser that holds individual sheets instead of a roll. Alice considers this, but decides that it just doesn't look right to her. Looking for more ideas, they visit the local home improvement store, where they discover vertical holders. Ralph and Alice burst out laughing as they realize they both like this arrangement. It's convenient for both, and they suspect it will not entice Norton the way the front-roll setup does.

It took some time and effort, but treating this as a problem to be solved together rather than a fight to be won was actually an enjoyable experience for this couple. They have ended an ongoing dispute, leaving themselves more time for pleasant conversations. And a glance at the new paper holder often makes them smile as they remember the fun they had working on this project together.

Third Alternatives

One of my favorite bloggers is Patty Newbold of Assume Love. Patty's mission is to help people experience more love and satisfaction in their relationships without trying to change their partners. She gives lots of great advice, both about applying an overall philosophy to marriage, and about how to handle specific kinds of situations.

One important problem-solving technique Patty promotes is the Third Alternative, an idea developed in depth by author Stephen R. Covey.

Up! Down! Left! Right! This! That!

Do you and your spouse sometimes get caught in repetitive disagreements over issues like these?

• The right way to fold towels

• Toilet paper over or under
• The best place to park
• Wash dishes now or let them soak
• Toilet seat up or down
• How to place glasses in the cupboard
• Squeezing the toothpaste
• Proper way to load the dishwasher
• Should you lick your fingers when eating finger food

Many people are passionately opinionated about these and similar matters. Towels folded into quarters instead of thirds are annoyingly untidy. Drying oneself from the bottom up rather than from the top down after a shower is seen as a complete breakdown of logic. Distress over an improperly squeezed toothpaste tube is so widespread that a Google search on "squeezing toothpaste" yields more than 1.9 million results and Amazon lists over 100 imaginative devices for squeezing the tube.

We Just Disagree

Some conflict in marriage is unavoidable. Whether our conflicts arise from simple misunderstandings or from basic differences in personality and needs, it is inevitable that two people creating a life together will have disagreements and arguments. Experts generally agree that it isn't necessary to avoid conflict in order to have a good relationship. What matters isn't whether we argue, but how we argue and what we do about it.