Break the Date Night Routine

Having a regular date night is one of the most frequently recommended ideas for keeping the fun and romance in a marriage. But, as Dr. Rich Nicastro explains on his Strengthen Your Relationship blog, there are several reasons why date nights sometimes turn out badly.

Dicastro says that we need to break free from comfortable, old routines and be willing to try something new. Enjoying new experiences together strengthens your emotional bond - and it's fun!

A Titanic Date Night

Dinner and a movie is the classic date night. That's exactly what my hubby and I chose this past weekend. We went to an afternoon showing of Titanic 3D, followed by dinner at our local CPK.

Like just about everyone else in the country, we had seen this movie when it was first released in 1997, and had really enjoyed it. It combines great story telling with impressive visual effects and enjoyable performances. Even though you know, more or less, how it's going to end (the ship sinks!) there are plenty of suspenseful moments. This time, having seen it before, we really knew what was going to happen, but that didn't matter. The 3D remake worked well, and even though 15 years have passed, the quality of the models and digital effects is just as impressive now as then. The film was exciting and fun to watch, and we didn't even notice how long it is (over three hours).

It's possible to get Titanic on DVD and Blu-ray, but I wouldn't want to see this on a small screen. It's a big picture about big things!

After the movie, we were hungry. It took a while to get dinner, since we were in a section that was being served by a very clueless young man (who eventually got some much-needed help from a more experienced waitress). But the food, once it arrived, was good. Even though the new lemon cake looks tempting, we skipped dessert and went home feeling relaxed, happy and romantic. And that's what Date Night is all about.

Sweet Surprise

I just had to snap some pictures and share the fun before these were all gone. Did you know that you can have personalized M&M candies made for any occasion? You can choose your colors, add short messages, and even have your sweetheart's picture printed right on the candy.

For Valentine's Day this year, my hubby gave me a cute glass bowl full of these. What a sweet surprise!

A personalized gift like this tells the recipient that you care enough to put some real effort and planning into the occasion. You can't just stop at the supermarket on the way home and pick up a bag of these!

Financial Honesty

In a blog entry called "Radical Honesty for a Healthy Marriage" Leslie Doares of Fearless Marriage writes about the need for truthfulness in a marriage. Her arguments are on point, and I expect that her examples will have a lot of readers squirming in their seats.

Two of the examples involve money, and one in particular caught my attention. It's an anecdote about a woman who concealed her clothes shopping from her husband. I see shopping as an innocent activity that would never have to be hidden. But spending money is a major source of friction in many relationships. This particular story made me think of an "I Love Lucy" episode. Lucy was showing Ethel a new dress she had bought. Ethel wondered if Ricky might get angry about it. Lucy just smiled and told her friend that she had a way of handling it. Whenever she bought a new dress, she would just put it at the back of the closet and then wait a few months. Then, when she wore the dress and Ricky asked her if it was new, she could "honestly" say she'd had it for a long time.

Special Presents

In theory, it should be easy to choose gifts for the people we love the most. After all, we know them so well. Their hobbies, favorite foods, taste in clothes, what makes them smile. But sometimes it is that very familiarity that makes it so hard to decide on a gift.

I know that my husband doesn't wear ties any more and that he doesn't need another cashmere sweater or a bathrobe. I know how little time he has available to read books, and how much unused credit he already has on iTunes. He loves Godiva chocolates, but giving him yet another box of dark truffles seems to say that I've become too lazy to put any thought into the matter. He definitely doesn't want power tools, jewelry, or anything beer-related. If one of his favorite musical acts were coming to town, I could try to get tickets, but that's not always an option, and I'm not rich enough to fly him to Paris (either France or Texas) for the weekend.

My goal is to give him something he will truly enjoy and that will let him know that I put some loving thought and effort into it. The neon sign pictured here was all of that. During the summer, we sometimes hold big backyard barbecue parties. When the umbrellas are set up, the burgers are on the grill, and friends are splashing in the pool, we feel as though we are living in a luxury resort. My husband is a charming host, and we began to refer to our summer get-togethers as "Club Steve". Of course, a real club needs a sign. So for his birthday one year, I had this neon sign made. When Steve saw it, he was completely surprised and quite delighted. Now, whenever we have a party, the sign is always glowing in a prominent position, where our friends get a big kick out of it. Having this made was a bit expensive, but it was well worth it. Not only did it put a big smile on my husband's face when I gave it to him, but it has continued to be a source of pleasure for him (and for me) over the years.

This was a big, expensive gift. But a gift doesn't have to be big or expensive to be effective. What matters most is that it communicates a personal message: "You are special to me."
 

Do You Look Good Naked?

Both men and women want to look good. But it seems that women are more likely to have a negative body image and to feel that there is something "wrong" with their bodies. A constant state of personal dissatisfaction is encouraged by a vast complex of industries eager to profit from our anxiety. Somehow we are always the wrong weight, the wrong shape, not smooth enough or firm enough. We have too much hair in some places and not enough in others. No matter what we do, we are never going to look like the freakishly tall and thin supermodels or the computer-retouched photos in cosmetics ads. Actually, most of us look just fine, but we don't see it when we look into the mirror.

What does this have to do with romance? A lot! Women who imagine themselves to be inherently unattractive often find that they don't feel as happy and confident as they should in a love relationship. In particular, their insecurities about their bodies can inhibit them from enjoying a healthy, playful sexual relationship. Most husbands enjoy seeing their wives in attractive lingerie (or in nothing at all!) and would like to make love with at least some of the lights on at least some of the time. But a woman who fears that her partner will be turned of by the sight of her less-than-perfect body may be unwilling to satisfy this desire, and may even find it hard to fully enjoy lovemaking because of her insecurities. Outside of the bedroom, many women make poor clothing choices because they just want to hide their perceived flaws, or because they feel so discouraged that they have given up trying.

On the TV show How to Look Good Naked, host Carson Kressley challenges women to see themselves in a more positive light. Without resorting to cosmetic surgery or other extreme measures, he helps them develop a new attitude and change their approach to clothing and makeup, until they are actually comfortable enough to pose for a daring photo shoot.

For any woman who dresses in the closet, hides under the covers, or just won't wear anything that doesn't resemble a tent, the message here is a real eye-opener.

I don't think there are new episodes of this show on the air any more, but it's possible the old ones can be found online.
 

The Five Love Languages

The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts.

This is a terrific book for anyone who wants to express love more effectively. If your sweetheart doesn't seem to be getting the message no matter how hard you try, the answer may be here. And if you've ever felt frustrated or dissatisfied because your partner isn't showing you the kind of affection you'd most like to receive, this book could provide you with a more effective way to ask for what you want and get it.

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You may also enjoy....

Showering Together? Really?

A recurring suggestion among romance-advice writers is that partners should shower together. Is this really a good idea? When I'm in the shower, I have a very clear agenda. I want to get clean, wash my hair, and shave my armpits. This is not a team effort. What I don't want is to worry about how I look (even though I look pretty darn good under water). I don't want to wait for my turn to use the soap, and I really don't want to stand there shivering while my sweetheart stands between me and the flow of hot water. The shower in my bathroom is a rather narrow space which would make it complicated for two people to maneuver around each other. Yes, I know, getting close is the idea. Even so....

Daily Love Tips

Our daily love tips appear just below the blog title. Come back every day for a new, succinct bit of advice or a useful reminder.

What is Romance?

Romance is one of those ideas, like love, happiness, and enough, that mean different things to different people. For many people, romance is associated with a dramatic, high-fantasy version of relationships that may be very exciting in a paperback book or on a movie screen, but that is impossible to sustain in real life. Few of us have the time and energy to spend our days galloping along the beach on a jet-black stallion, dressing in elaborate costumes, meeting our lovers in exotic locations, and concocting secret identities, all the while letting our hair flow in the wind while our bosoms heave with passion. There is laundry to be done, the cat needs to be fed, and sooner or later someone has to go to work.

On a more realistic note, Wikipedia tells us that the word romance "implies an expression of one's love, or one's deep emotional desires to connect with another person." That makes sense to me. The desire to express love, to feel loved in return, and to experience a deep connection with a partner is at the heart of a happy marriage.

Please join me in exploring married life, with an emphasis on what romance really means, what it takes to create it, to keep it alive, and to rediscover it after a difficult time.